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OK – there are no spoilers in this review BUT – do yourself a huge favour and don’t bother going to see Spider Man 2 unless you have a 12-year old daughter who is desperate to re-discover the inner feelings of desire she felt on first seeing The Twilight movies.

In fact, the whole tangled web is simply a collection of poorly imitated best bits from Twilight, Watchmen and the last gazilion Spider Man films (when are they going to come up with a new plot?).

It is also a huge let down after the promise of the last outing.

I’m the first to agree that Tobey Maguire was as engaging as Ed Milliband.

However, this time around as Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield delivers a diluted version of the troubles racking love-struck vampire Robert Pattinson, crossed with a screenwriters impression of what Andy Murray would be like if he had a personality.

The dialogue between Garfield and love interest Emma Stone runs at about the same emotional level as Popeye and Olive Oil, which former characterisation can be extended to “Spidey’s” inane conversations with the various villains he confronts – classic lines such as “Hello Mr Criminal – are you having a nice day?” (I think I heard that) seem to be pulled out of play-school.

Just about every scene involving a fight to the death with a mutant bent on human destruction is laced with “quips” from the masked hero that would frankly have any opponent calling a truce and suggesting an urgent appeal for a child psychologist for the webby wimp.

Garfield even has a ring tone on his cell phone that is the old Spider man theme – really?

Don’t even get me started on Jamie Foxx, whose initial character is stolen straight from a Hollywood comedy featuring a gay wedding planner – then metamorphosing into former Manchester City moron Mario Balotelli after he has accidentally got his ridiculous Mohican stuck in an electric toaster.

Mind you, Foxx’s tooth whitening is sight to behold – but he clearly has the worst case of zingers on record.

The special effects are fantastic – no doubt – but to be fair, if you have seen the trailer, you have seen the special effects – not even Imax 3D had me gripping the sides of my seat as SM jumped off tall buildings – largely because every such leap was often accompanied by the dread realisation that we would soon be subject to more facile dialogue or irritating teenage love.

The official classification of this movie is “12”.

Any adult wishing to see this epic pile of arachnid drivel should be accompanied by a 12-year old to make the investment worthwhile.